No, I'm Not Okay & That's Fine...

Hey Everyone,

Long time no post :) Today’s post focuses on Mental Health Awareness Month. While each of our stories may be isolating, knowing we are not alone on each of our journeys makes it that much either to travel, so I’ve decided to share mine below…

I’ve suffered from Depression before I even had the vocabulary to verbalize it. When I was 15, I became extremely withdrawn from family & stopped speaking for days. Not out of spite or typical “teenage angst”, but because I felt sad, isolated & I didn’t know why. And because I didn’t know what it was or want to put it on anyone else, I just stopped talking altogether. Extremely worried, my Dad pulled me aside, urging me to tell him what was wrong, & I couldn’t tell him because I didn’t know what was it nor did I feel like anything should be wrong. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve developed a much better understanding for how I am feeling & learned to better manage my mental health with regular visits to a therapist & various practices put in place to help me cope with my Depression & Anxiety. But as is with life & its ebbs & flows, the good days don’t always last…

I’m not always good & that’s fine. Depression & Anxiety are two very real things & they happen to the best of us. It’s not our job to pretend as if they aren’t happening or to explain them if we don’t want to. Girl, I'm having a hard time, I AM sad & that is what it is. 

Life has literally left me in a proverbial ditch, rut, or whatever you want to call it, since last November. I have received awful news, my financial instability has mounted, some boy really hurt me, things have happened to my friends, more people have died & my car was stolen. That’s probably not even the half of it, but most of what I’m willing to talk about. Things were happening left & right, & just as life mounted, once again so did my Depression & Anxiety surrounding it. It can take a lot to get up everyday, put on a brave face & honestly attempt to answer every other inquiry as to how you’re doing when life is throwing haymakers at you.

DSC04674.jpg

I didn’t even think I was dealing with depression again (unfortunately, as I’ve said before I ain’t new ta dis, but true ta dis), until I found myself spending the majority of my days longing to be asleep & unconscious with several bouts of crying in between. I began leaving my house less & less, & withdrew from a lot of my friendships. I stopped answering calls, declined multiple invites, & even stopped writing. Struggling with so many issues at the same, I began to wonder what the point of living was & allowed my faith in myself to diminish almost completely. I couldn’t deal with my own feelings, so in order to avoid burdening anyone else, I once again stopped talking altogether. Something about depression feels so much more serious, or terrifying even when spoken aloud. Eventually, I found myself wandering aimlessly through the dark alone. It is a terrible feeling, & it’s even more difficult to explain when you don’t even feel like you can sort it out. 

DSC04689.jpg

But if it’s one thing I’ve learned it’s to be honest about where I am & take my time getting through it. Depression is not an easy thing, but it is manageable, under the proper care & circumstances. It means paying more attention to yourself & intentionally taking the time to listen to your own needs. 

Because I’ve spent several months in this space & stopped actively caring for myself, I’ve had to start several things over from scratch with the first step being to admit I was struggling. While it’s been hard, I always make it a point to remind myself that I am doing something about it & that is something to be proud of. I’ve started making lists of things that need to be done down to the very basics of taking a shower or making up my bed (…and yes, it can get so crazy that you may even contemplate having the energy to take a shower). I take things one step, one minute, one hour, & one day at a time. If I cannot finish a task, I give myself a mental break to revisit it without bashing myself for not completing it in a certain time frame. Instead, I make sure to applaud myself for recognizing those things. In my spare time, I try to make it a point to leave my house & interact with others, whether it’s going to the grocery store or seeing one of my friends. You’d be surprised at how much being around people who genuinely love & support you can soften the blows that life throws at you. Many of my friends, deal with either depression, anxiety, or both, & having people in my corner who understand my struggle make it that much easier to work through & even talk about.

No one said that life was an easy road, but sometimes things can get more difficult than we’re able to bare & that is okay. It is okay to admit that things are hard & it is okay to be honest about your struggle. Regardless of everyone else’s journey, yours is yours & it is still very much real…

Until next time…

Peace,

Dij<3

Glasses/Forever21   Jacket/Levi’s-Thrifted   Shirt/Amazon   Jeans/ZARA   Boots/ZARA   Backpack/ZARA