Lately, I’ve been feeling like a complete mess and not really sure of how to step out of it. I worry just like most people if I should have my life together by now or if it’ll ever be together anytime soon. No matter how much food is my house or if all my bills are paid or how many hours I work, I never feel like I have any stability and by 25 I just imagined that I’d finally have something to firmly place my feet on.
Instead, I’m just feeling like I’m jumping from place to place wondering if stability is even a thing that’s attainable. I want so many things for myself and that just seems so far outside my reach and every path traveled leads to another series of forks in the road, leading to God only knows where! I get up everyday feeling like "sheesh, shouldn’t I have it together by now?" I’m scrambling all the time wondering if whatever decision I’m making is the right one or if it'll finally land me where I need to be. I think of my parents and some of my friends in their 20s, and I wonder why I haven’t figured it all out like they all have. That’s what having everything all figured out is supposed to look like right? By your 20s, just like everyone else who’s seemed like they made it, you’re supposed to know where you're going. Why am I not there, why am I still a mess at 25?
Truth is at this point in my life, I forget all the time that I don’t HAVE to have everything all together. I’ve made all the seemingly right decisions most of what happens after that is purely circumstantial and out of my control. I put so much pressure on myself because of the things that I cannot change or didn’t anticipate, that I constantly forget to look at my life and see how much I’ve accomplished and how far I’ve come in spite of the challenges faced. I’ve learned more about myself and done more than I ever could’ve imagine thus far in my life, and while the money’s not rolling in quite like I desire, I’m still figuring out ways to do what I want with what I do have. I’m trying to work on giving myself room to be a mess, a human being, and not necessarily have everything together.
I have no idea where this path is going or where in life it’s going to take me, I’m just hoping it takes me somewhere I can lay my burdens down like some edges and firmly place my feet. But until then, I’m down for adventurous excursions, late night conversations, days and weeks of self-reflection, buckets and buckets of tears, falling apart and putting myself back together again, and somehow managing to survive off nothing just experience something. Our mess is just an indicator of our process and it looks different for everyone. We’re not perfect and we shouldn’t feel like we have to be 24/7 at every moment of everyday. Not to mention I have so many people along for this ride with me, who just like me are unabashedly fumbling around, in hopes of getting it together, but somehow managing to live in the moment and enjoy life.
Though at this moment I wish I could provide more stability for myself, I can appreciate the freedom that comes with constantly being in transition. While I can’t help but worry (because what’s your 20s without a mountain of ridiculous unrealistic worry & fear?), I have faith that it will come. By the time I have it together, I’ll look back with an interesting story I’m too unashamed and full of life not to tell. I’d rather be in process now because by 45, I know I’m not gonna have the stamina or heart for shit quite like I do now. It’s okay not to have it altogether in this moment, eventually you will.
Until next time,